Douche Reform School*, Lesson 1: When She Says She Wants to Be “Just Friends”

Scenario:

You’ve brought a woman back to your place a after a date or a social gathering. You lean in for a kiss. She turns her head to the side, pulls back, and says, “Let’s just be friends.”

Douche moves:

1. Assume it’s “token resistance,” that she really does want to hook up with you and she’s “playing hard to get,” and “she’s just saying that” (so as not to seem “easy” or “slutty.”
   1. Say, “No problem, I totally get it.” Wait five minutes. Then move in for another kiss.
   2. If she brushes you away again, and/or says, “I’m really not feeling that way about you,” wait another five minutes. Then move in again, and again, in five-minute intervals, until she has pushes you away, and asks you to leave.
2. Try to convince her otherwise. Ask her a bunch of questions like, “Why aren’t you into me?” “What do the other guys have that I don’t have.” “What’s so wrong with me?” These are especially effective for the purposes of doucheness if said in a mopey, sorry-for-yourself tone.
3. Lie (to her, to yourself, or both) and say, “OK, that’s cool, we can just be friends,” as if you actually wanted that. But then immediately let any enthusiasm you had about her vanish, fade away and stop returning her calls or calling her, and let the “friendship” die on the vine. Extra douche points if you’re super awkward and evasive when you see her or talk to her.
4. Act/feel like she’s done something wrong and unfair to you, and blame her for your hurt. “You’ve been flirting with me all night. . .” “You’ve been giving me mixed signals for months. . .” “You led me on.” These might even be true to some degree (though you should be aware that science has proven guys are way overly-optimistic about even minor supposed “signals.” But even if these statements are true to some degree, it doesn’t mean she that just because she flirted or gave you any signals, she is obliged to take it further.) Worse: “You’re such a tease.”
5. Say, in an upset, accusatory tone, “Fine, I should just go then,” and storm out. (This is especially douchey if it wasn’t a date or some other clear romantic context to begin with.)
6. Worse, get angry at her. Reject her back, as if you were the one who rejected her first. As you storm out and slam the door, say “You’re not that hot anyways.”

Smart Moves:

1. Assume she really means what she’s saying.
2. Pull back and tell her you need a moment to think. In that moment, think about what kind of relationship you actually want with her, assuming she means what she says and she doesn’t want to be romantic or sexual with you. Be honest with yourself. Really honest.
3. Once you’ve figured out what you want with her, as per (2), be honest with her, in a kind, respectful, non-insulting way.
   1. If you would actually like to be friends with her, say “I’d be honored to be your friend,” and continue hanging out, without trying to put the moves on her again.
      1. If, in the course of the same night, or in the course of your ongoing friendship, she starts putting the moves on you, stop her for a moment and ask for a clarification. “Hey, I thought you wanted to be ‘just friends.’ Has something changed for you?” If she says ‘yes,’ then it’s up to you what direction you’d like to take the connection. You can respond to her advances, or maybe you now want to keep it “just friends.” Adding romance and sex into a relationship changes it drastically, and if you’ve now built up a friendship, don’t assume that, just because you’re a guy, you’ll always want to convert friends into sex partners if given the opportunity; it’s not, actually, always the best move.
   2. If you would not like to be “just friends” with her, that’s OK too, but be honest with her about it, in a kind way. Say, “I’m really attracted to you, and if you’re not feeling the same way about me, I’d rather not continue, because it’s going to be really hard for me. I hope you understand.” (Note: Do NOT use this as leverage; you are informing her of where you’re at, not trying to use the act of turning down a friendship as bargaining chip to get her to change her mind.) She won’t be happy to hear this, but it’s much better than pretending to want a friendship just to hang out with her more, in order to put more unwanted moves on her later.

Ultra-Smart Move:

If you’re attracted to a woman, only spend time with her, and/or go on dates with her, if you’d actually like a friendship with her, whether she’s attracted to you back or not. This way, if she doesn’t want to hook-up for you, you still get a great friendship out of the situation—in fact, maybe you get a close sister for life. That way, it’s a win for both of you whether she’s attracted to you or not.

Conclusion:

If you follow the Smart Moves, and the Ultra-Smart Move, you will instantly find your relationships with women improving. You will feel less awkward with women, you can be honest with them about your attraction, without pressure (or needing to hide it, unconvincingly.) And you will ultimately end-up with more hook-ups (because your sexual energy is more clean, clear and contained), and more friendships. And less awkwardness and upset in all directions.      

Stay tuned for Lesson 2: When You’re Attracted to a Co-Worker

(*We teach what we have needed to learn. In taking my own moral inventory, I’ve unfortunately done Douche Moves 1-3 in the past.)