One of the greatest positive shifts in my relations with women occurred when I learned to have friendships with women I was attracted to, but who were not attracted to me back. Given that I was constantly attracted to women erotically, and only a fraction felt the same way about me, this shift was as important to make as it was challenging.

It is so easy for a man to remain in a “friendship” of unrequited lust in hopes that he might “get lucky” and “one day” she might see “what a great guy I am.” We men get a lot of cultural reenforcement for these hopes too, as the romantic trope of the guy who “doesn’t stand a chance” but who persists in his valiant efforts to “win her heart” in the face of horrible odds, but ends up “getting the girl” in the end, is the plot line of like 75% of all romantic movies and novels.

But a friendship born of persistence in pursuit of a sexual goal is not real friendship–a friendship with an agenda is a farce. And the attraction ends up coming out anyways, in uncomfortable, unwanted and awkward passes that catch the woman by surprise, make her feel manipulated (as she questions whether it was ever a “real” friendship,) and end up in the man feeling bitter about being rejected and having his desires invalidated yet again in his path towards romance and Eros.

Which–since the traditional Courtship Script has assigned men the role of initiators of romantic and sexual interest and women as the responders–has probably been going on since he mustered up the nerve to walk across the dance floor in the gym at the middle school dance, ask the girl to dance, and get rejected in front of all his classmates. Bitterness and resentment spreads all around, for boys and girls, men and women, and all genders.

Is there a way out? This is an urgent question.

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Have you been hearing debates about “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” and wanting to understand the debate in more depth? I’ve got you covered!

I did a deep-dive on this debate last year. If you just want the net-net (and this is my concurrence with numerous feminist writers I cite, who I think make a conclusive case- not particularly original thinking on my part):

In 1944, when the song was written, it was absolutely unthinkable within “polite society” for a woman to spend the night at a man’s house if she wasn’t married to him. If you look closely (and understand the references in their historical context) this is a song about an unmarried pair on a date who want the night to continue at his place, and are coming up with reasons why she should stay over that will be acceptable to the woman’s strict family and nosy community. The song is a cheeky rebellion against what we would now call the “slut shaming” of the era, celebrating a woman’s desire to stay over at a man’s house if she wants, family and slut-shaming community be-damned.

I am thrilled to announce that a short indy docu-porn I co-produced, “Luminous Lust,” is premiering at Dan Savage’s HUMP! Film Festival – indy porn festival – in San Francisco, Seattle, and Portland. Screenings of the entire festival go through November 17th.

Here’s our description of our film: “Luminous Lust is an erotic short film directed and written by the 2018 class of Madison Young’s Erotic Film School. In this sizzling short film, real-life couple – Dylan Ryan and T. Pfister [in photo] – boldly bring the audience into the most intimate parts of their lives, sharing with the camera how the couple fell in love, what about their partner turns them on, and how they first met. This intimate sexual portrait of this passionate couple gets steamy when they open the door and let the viewer into their lustful and luminous sex life.”

Madison Young‘s Erotic Film School was one of the greatest educational experiences of my life. Over 2 days in Oakland, CA in August, four of us beginning film students–a diverse mix of genders, nationalities, races and orientations–gathered under the guidance of master feminist porn producer Madison to create a concept, develop a shotlist, and shoot a short “erotic portrait” based around this amazing real-life couple and their love and passion. (Dylan has been a pro performer for many years. This was her girlfriend T’s first time on camera for adult, though that’s hard to believe from her razzling performance!)

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