I don’t usually revisit my past writing. But I felt it was important to write this follow-up to one of the most popular pieces I’ve written, “How I Overcame Bipolar II–and Saved My Own Life.”
When I wrote that article in 2011, I had been symptom free for 4 years previously. The summer of 2015, looking back on it now, I had a major recurrence of mania. I say “looking back” because I didn’t realize something was wrong–you rarely realize something is wrong while in mania–until I crashed into a really severe depression.
Once solidly in the depression, I realized that my bipolar symptoms had come back big time, and once again I needed to overcome them.
During my last battle with bipolar throughout my 20s, as covered in that article from 2011, I tried both lithium and lamictal, both of which I quit due to side effects that were intolerable to me. (Since it was dietary changes that ultimately helped me, some people think that that article was an argument against conventional pharmaceutical approaches, but it was not. It was my own personal story, that’s all, not an argument. As detailed in the article, I was completely open to pharmaceutical approaches, just as I am now, and stopped them only because of side-effects, not out of any philosophical or ideological opposition to mainstream psychopharmacology.)
If you’ll recall from that article, I quit the lithium the last go-round because it caused the appearance of horrendous, pea-sized acne that I was not willing to put up with. I also quit lamictal because it lead to severe and alarming hair loss.
I was in such dire straights this go-round, I decided to go back to a psychiatrist, and try again. This time, on lithium, the mega-acne did not recur. However, I hated how it made feel–I felt completely listless, emotionally flat, and drained of any passion or zest for life. It kept the mania down, but this was not how I wanted to live long-term.
We had hoped that the lithium would help the depression as well, but the it did nothing for the depression. So he put me on Abilify. That worked quickly, and lifted my depression for about 2 weeks, before it stopped working and the depression came back. The side effects were really bad as well–almost total insomnia, leading to intolerable fatigue, and also, an elephant-sized appetite, causing rapid weight gain.
The next line of defense against the depression was trying lamictal. If you’ll recall from the article, I quit lamictal the last time because alarming amounts of hair were coming off my head in the shower when I took it. Well, since that time, I’ve finally thrown in the towel in my decade-long fight with male pattern baldness anyway, and lopped off my hair the previous spring. So any added hair loss was not a problem!
After it kicked in (it took 8 weeks to ramp up!) it actually started working, and I feel normal again. And I’ve had no recurrence of symptoms for 2 years. And I plan to keep it that way. And, I have no plans to get off the medication any time soon. It’s working for me, and I don’t want to mess with what’s working.
No stone unturned – that is my approach. I’m not sure it was just the medication that helped. I tried everything, including the sobriety and dietary changes I described in the article. I went sober for 9 weeks, which made it both harder psychologically (no escape!) but I knew it was necessary. I’ve been eating a healthy low-glycemic index, and avoiding stimulants and almost all refined sugar. I also started a vigorous exercise regimen at www.freeletics.com. Man, that thing kicks my ass, but it feels great, and is the first organized exercise program I’ve been on in my adult life.
At the urging of a good friend, I went to see a naturopath, who took all kinds of blood tests. She found many interesting things, all of which could theoretically could have implications for the bipolar. Apparently, I have something called a MTHFR gene mutation, which means my body has trouble with a process called methylation. I don’t really know what that means, but the upshot is, I need to take a lot of specialized B vitamins that have been “methylated,” which I am now doing.
The tests also found that (as most people are, it seems) I was severely deficient in vitamin D, so I’m taking mega-doses now. And also found, ironically–given that I’ve become a sex writer, as of late–very low free testosterone. (This may or may not be related to my testicular cancer surgery in 2009). So I’m taking DHEA to correct that.
These are all the things I’ve been doing to keep myself in balance since my last recurrence of symptoms. I thought it was important to share with you how the story unfolded after the previous article left off.
The reason I write all of this is, it seems part of my purpose for living is to be open and honest about the dark side of life, the struggles that are equally a part of human existence as all the love and light, so that others don’t feel so alone.
I hope that by sharing this, anyone else who is struggling (or has a family member struggling) with mental illness can feel less alone, less ashamed, and less stigmatized. Forget the stigmas around mental illness, it is something that millions of people are going through, and hopefully by talking openly about it there can start to be less shame around it.